A Photograph

I’m crying my eyes out. I feel so sad, so impotent. “You cannot force people to love you they way you expect them to,” my therapist repeatedly told me. Still, no one can prepare you for that when it relates to a member of your close family, and it’s hard. It’s fucking hard!

I try to take my mind off of it by browsing through my phone, cleaning out old or repeated pictures, and I stumble upon one of me as a baby. I say to my younger self, “This, too, shall pass.” What else could I say to little me to be able to overcome this hard, sad time?

Just look into your past and realize all the things you’ve accomplished! Realize all the things you’ve missed, and my God, all the things you are still waiting to do! You should know that all the times you thought about dropping the towel or even jumping off a bridge were not worth it.

I wish I could stumble upon my younger self now that I’m almost 40, to tell you this:

-You are a consequence of all the people, places, friends, food, religion, books and pets you have crossed paths with, so savor it! All of it – the good, the bad, the ugly. It all will become part of your life and memories.

-Save money, my dear! I know you’ll come across so many things you’d love to buy, places you’d love to travel to, clothes you’d like to wear. Trust me, having a little bit of money to spare will save you a great deal of problems in the future. Just put some money aside. You won’t regret it.

-Love, love with all your heart and soul, but I hope that you can also understand the difference between love and attachment. Loving someone and being loved by someone should come easily, like waves in the ocean. They might come strong at times and wash over you, but at times they can also be calm. Just let love be. Don’t push it, because if you have to, it’s probably not love and has become something else.

-Embrace your awkwardness. You will not be everyone’s cup of tea, but you shouldn’t change who you are just because you are not liked by everyone. You are an acquired taste, and if some people don’t like you, maybe they should acquire some taste.

-Do not take things so personally. The world doesn’t revolve around you.

-Be safe. I know that a lot of times you’ll feel like there will be no consequences for your actions, and you will grow to be a very lucky and fortunate person, but don’t push it. 

-Growing up you will hear people say that you are very intense, and you will not perceive that in a positive way. I wish you could understand how beautiful and important this intensity will become to you. You’re not crazy, it’s just who you are. OWN IT, GIRL!

-Follow your dreams! But do not expect them to play out in the romantic way you see them in your head. Following your dreams is also fighting for them. Do everything in your power to show only yourself that you are capable of doing anything you’ve ever put your mind to. Persevere. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

-School will be hard for you, very hard, because you are a dreamer. Just understand that you have to push yourself. Unfortunately, our culture needs you to go to school, just try not to be so lazy. You are smart, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s just that the format doesn’t work for you. But guess what? You’ll eventually have a college degree! 

-You will understand quite late the meaning of gratitude, but once you do, your life will revolve around it, and it will be beautiful. Be grateful. Always.

-Do not say yes just to be polite. You can say no when you want. If people don’t like it, again, do not take it personally. Maybe they aren’t worth it.

-The shape of your palate… yeah, it’s not that common. You think it is, but it’s actually quite rare. And oh yeah, one of your ears grows to be quite a bit bigger and different from the other, and your belly button is crooked. But again, my dear, even though you think early on that all of these are horrible things about you, they will be quite handy for impressing the boys! USE THEM TO YOUR FAVOR!!!

-Trust your instinct. It will feel like witchcraft sometimes, BUT THAT’S OK! You are full of magic. No one but you needs to understand this. You’ll save yourself lots of tribulations if you trust your instinct.

-Say what your heart feels. You’ll have to let it simmer, and let it pass through your brain to get absolute confirmation of what you want to say, but don’t let other people dictate what you say and do. Your heart has a voice, too. Let it resonate, or you will explode. Let it speak.

-You will suffer a lot of losses, and you’ll always ask yourself what you could have done differently. Maybe a few things here and there could have been avoided, but all of those things have brought you to this moment, to this precious, imperfect life that you love to live.

-Accept your femininity. It’s not a burden; IT’S A WEAPON – the most powerful one you’ll ever have. Embrace it, accept it, own it, love it, feel it. BE IT!, BE A GIRL, BE A WOMAN! BE YOU! 

-Going to therapy is not only for crazy people. Trust me, it will change your life. Sometimes the best thing to do will be to just put your heart out there for someone to show you why it’s hurt and how you can heal it.

-We are all different. What society sees as a standard regarding your education, livelihood, appearance, sexual preferences, shape of your body, color, race or whatever, shouldn’t shape you. Just be yourself. Don’t be what people or society tell you to be. Above all, do not feel bad because you are not what they ask you to be. It’s ok.

-Forgive and forget, but don’t let whatever experiences life gives you go down the drain. Bad things (more than good ones) also carry lessons. Trust me on this.

-Let go, my darling, let go. This too shall pass…

What I miss about you…

I had a dream last night. As it always happens (at least in my dreams) some parts are kinda blurry and I’m not sure that the characters are quite defined. I do remember that 2 of my greatest loves where part of that dream. With one of them I talked, and I recall the feeling of being heard with attention bounded to love.

I don’t even know how to describe this, but it kinda feels like when you love someone, and you are listening to whatever they have to say and you hope deep in your heart that they are happy and wish them the best, just because you love them. In this particular case it felt like that but it had a hint of romance in it, and a desire that only comes from passion.

I miss that.

With the other guy, we didn’t actually talked that much during the dream. We sort of had an interaction with another person but the feeling I had was of great caring, he only wanted me to find what I was looking for. He hugged me in the way you hug a person that you love. I could smell his clothes, and it was so real that it made me wake up.

I miss that too.

I certainly loved this guys in a moment of time, and I don’t miss them, not in the romantic way that you might expect after all the time spent together, I did woke up yearning the way it felt to be loved like that by another person. I have found myself in this knowledge trip, that has made me realize that self love is very important, and I feel the love that I pour into myself everyday, and the one that my friends and family also feel for me, but after been almost 3 years single (without counting the mingle) I realized just now, that I really miss been loved that way.  And that that’s ok.

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Good waves

I was immerse in a surf trip for 12 days without knowing at all what to expect. I have never, ever surfed in my life and the thought of a rough ocean gives me the creeps, but I got involved in the adventure not precisely cause of the surf, but then I was, amongst ONLY surfers and the adventure was to say the least… unexpected.

Many of the things I did during this trip were not on the same lane that I usually travel, or at least not on the same lane that I’ve been traveling like for the past 10 years. I realized all ages surfers travel this way: not knowing what to expect, not knowing were to stay, not knowing what will happen tomorrow, sometimes completely off the grill, cause they live the waves exactly as they come and they enjoy them EXACTLY as they come, but above all, as if this good waves were exactly the last good ones they will see for the rest of the season. So they get up extremely early in the morning for a surf at 5-6 am, and they get back to their accommodations as soon as the body cannot deal with the hunger any more, they have a small breakfast that they usually prepare themselves, and wait till they are ready again to get the GOOD WAVES. A visit to the ocean 2 or 3 times a day sounds about right for them.

I realized that they live life to the fullest each day, day by day. Falling from the wave, getting up again and again till they can ride it and then they paddle again, they walk again, and jump into the water again, and again and again, and again.

Most of this people work hard a regular job that they squeeeeeze till the last breath so they’ll have money to travel and surf to wherever the waves take them. I thought I traveled a lot, but damn you should talk to this people, not a single one of them has an empty passport, dozens of countries visited, for the GOOD WAVES, some of them speak many languages including the crazy surf lingo that it is absolutely imposible to understand if you are not into surfing, as well as a set of crazy rules in the water that everyone talks about cause they are always broken by a few, and also, an endless list of nationalities blend in the water, a cornucopia of languages is spoken in and outside of it, and in there every man and girl paddles for itself.

I found myself been an outcast in the water, all I could do was swim and wait, so I got out of it, meditated, ran, practice yoga, walk, enjoy the scenery, read. When people found out I wasn’t a surfer they all made a weird face and ask: -what do you do here then?- But even though I wasn’t a surfer what did happen was that I got adopted by them all, the late night talks were an absolute delight, as well as the food and beer, and my God did I laughed, I laughed till I couldn’t deal with it any more. And even though I couldn’t understand whenever the conversation drifted to surf, I found myself immerse in this community that open their hearts and lives and sometimes souls to me as much as I did too.

I am extremely grateful I was involved in this experience, with all it’s ups and downs, with all it’s strange places and spaces, with all of the Mexico I have never heard of!

MY GOD! how many surf beaches can there be in out coasts?! and the astonishing  beauty of them! This trip made me see a part of me I hardly see, it was a trip of introspection and self awareness and I’m so thankful above all for the places I saw and the people I meet that I know now will be a part of my life from now on and hopefully for a long time.

Will I ever be a surfer? doubt it. But did I get the Good Waves… I sure did.

Thank you all: Thank you Owen, Phillipe, Yhonathan, Gastón, Ellie, Sarah, Belen, Austin, Mitchel, Jana, David, Alex, Marcelo, Leonardo, Yaron, Katherine, Miguel, Raúl, Olie and Chris. For the time, the beers, the tips, the patience, the card games, the hugs, the kisses, the rides, the love. May you always have Good Waves wherever you go.

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The little things

Its amazing finding your purpose in life, or at least realize the stuff that brings you the outer most happiness. I didn’t realize till a few months ago which was the thing that tickle me in that way, and the process was so subtile that I didn’t even noticed it.  You can call it a purpose, a calling, a thing, but it has brought me joy this past years in a way I cannot even describe, but I’ll sure as hell try.

I’ll start to call myself a Collateral Beauty hunter!

I was talking to Phillip about this just a few hours ago. -Have you ever found yourself in front of something or someone that’s so overwhelmingly beautiful that you just cry?- I have found myself craving for this moments, hunting them down and finding them in the simplest of things.

Climbing a mounting and with that sense of accomplishment along with a beautiful scenery makes the perfect Collateral Beauty moment.

I’ve had a few of this moments in my life but definitely 2017 was FILLED with them and I’m so grateful for the people, pets, places that took part of it!

It was a hard year but along with it I found myself been more grateful for the things I lost that were a burden for my personal growth, no attachment just let go with a big thank you. Also with such a hard time in our country I couldn’t be more bless to have the friends and family I have, and the many more I’ve made in such though times. There’s Collateral Beauty in that too. I cannot deny that the simplest of things become so damn important after a difficult time like the one we had this last September. Life is such a precious, wonderful, and rare thing. I’m just amazingly surprised I never saw it with the eyes I see it today. Can it be I’m finally becoming the person I always dream out to be? Or am I just getting old and going trough a midlife crisis?  Anyway… the best is yet to come. Happy 2018!

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