Fear and Love

FEAR

noun

1. an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something dangerous is likely to cause pain, or a threat.

LOVE

noun

1. an intense feeling of deep affection.
2. a great interest and pleasure in something.

They made love in the shower. She had somehow developed a kind of a ritual with him; it was either kissing for the longest time or making love. She would just jump on it – start her music with the little waterproof speaker and then wash herself. When the warm water passed through her hair, she would face the wall and close her eyes. His timing was almost perfect every time. The moment she would turn around, he would be inside the shower, grabbing her by the waist, kissing her on the lips, and moving his way down her neck, shoulders, chest, and breasts. She would melt and get carried away every single time. She loved him. This time, they were making love in a different shower. They had traveled for the weekend to a lake house they had rented on a website, and the shower was rather uncomfortable, so he turned off the water, and she understood immediately – it was time to take this to bed. Their hair and bodies were all wet, but they didn’t care, and all the sheets got soaked. He loved to look her straight into her eyes, and she always felt staggered by him doing this, even after all this time together. He was too much, he knew her too well, he felt too much, he craved too much, he needed too much. He was too much. 

Making love to him always left her with no energy. Was he an incubus? She fell asleep right after, over the damp sheets.

An energy woke her up with a scream. He knew about her nightmares, but this one felt different. A fear surrounded her, and she started crying profusely. He held her in his arms, and she felt that horrible energy taking over the entire room, the entire house. 

“I’m so afraid I’ll lose you,” she said.

“Don’t worry. What did you dream?”

“I don’t even remember. I just feel like I’m going to lose you. We’ve come so far, we’ve worked so hard for this. I’m just so afraid this will end, but I don’t know why. I just feel like I’m going to lose you, and it’s so scary.

He kissed her forehead and said, “Please, don’t worry. I’m right here.”

She had to take a very long trip as soon as they got back home. They made promises to talk to each other as much as possible while she was far away, and 15 days later she was about to get back to see him. They were ready to meet, and he had said he had a surprise for her, but somehow it sounded distant, weird.

When they finally met, it was all very theatrical like they loved to do. He had also taken the time to travel while she was away, and gifts were given, exchanging places and spaces that reminded them of each other, heartfelt moments and Polaroids of the places they shared, even when they were apart. 

A lamp

Stamps

A Hat

Figurines

Origami paper

Erasers

Candy

And a book… 

Walking Trough Walls, a memoir by Marina Abramović. The moment she saw it, she started to cry. He had never read the book, neither did she, but she got the subliminal message that she was pretty sure he didn’t even realized he had given to her with the book.

She was Marina. He was Ulay. And it was time.

Somehow, her fear had become a reality. But it had to happen. She knew it, she just waited for him to say it. 

“I’m so sorry,” he said. “I just can’t be with someone I don’t love anymore.”

“I understand,” she answered softly. 

Have you ever heard those stories of people that have close to death experiences? And how their whole life flash in front of them? 19 years flashed in front of her on a second. The good, the bad, the ugly, all. Nineteen years. They had been together for 19 years. She knew it was over. She knew the love was there, but it was different. She knew the fear was there, and it was real.

And that was it. She got up and walked away. To never look back again. To start walking her own path without him. Without fear, just filled with love a different one, but still LOVE.

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A Photograph

I’m crying my eyes out. I feel so sad, so impotent. «You cannot force people to love you they way you expect them to,» my therapist repeatedly told me. Still, no one can prepare you for that when it relates to a member of your close family, and it’s hard. It’s fucking hard!

I try to take my mind off of it by browsing through my phone, cleaning out old or repeated pictures, and I stumble upon one of me as a baby. I say to my younger self, «This, too, shall pass.» What else could I say to little me to be able to overcome this hard, sad time?

Just look into your past and realize all the things you’ve accomplished! Realize all the things you’ve missed, and my God, all the things you are still waiting to do! You should know that all the times you thought about dropping the towel or even jumping off a bridge were not worth it.

I wish I could stumble upon my younger self now that I’m almost 40, to tell you this:

-You are a consequence of all the people, places, friends, food, religion, books and pets you have crossed paths with, so savor it! All of it – the good, the bad, the ugly. It all will become part of your life and memories.

-Save money, my dear! I know you’ll come across so many things you’d love to buy, places you’d love to travel to, clothes you’d like to wear. Trust me, having a little bit of money to spare will save you a great deal of problems in the future. Just put some money aside. You won’t regret it.

-Love, love with all your heart and soul, but I hope that you can also understand the difference between love and attachment. Loving someone and being loved by someone should come easily, like waves in the ocean. They might come strong at times and wash over you, but at times they can also be calm. Just let love be. Don’t push it, because if you have to, it’s probably not love and has become something else.

-Embrace your awkwardness. You will not be everyone’s cup of tea, but you shouldn’t change who you are just because you are not liked by everyone. You are an acquired taste, and if some people don’t like you, maybe they should acquire some taste.

-Do not take things so personally. The world doesn’t revolve around you.

-Be safe. I know that a lot of times you’ll feel like there will be no consequences for your actions, and you will grow to be a very lucky and fortunate person, but don’t push it. 

-Growing up you will hear people say that you are very intense, and you will not perceive that in a positive way. I wish you could understand how beautiful and important this intensity will become to you. You’re not crazy, it’s just who you are. OWN IT, GIRL!

-Follow your dreams! But do not expect them to play out in the romantic way you see them in your head. Following your dreams is also fighting for them. Do everything in your power to show only yourself that you are capable of doing anything you’ve ever put your mind to. Persevere. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it.

-School will be hard for you, very hard, because you are a dreamer. Just understand that you have to push yourself. Unfortunately, our culture needs you to go to school, just try not to be so lazy. You are smart, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. It’s just that the format doesn’t work for you. But guess what? You’ll eventually have a college degree! 

-You will understand quite late the meaning of gratitude, but once you do, your life will revolve around it, and it will be beautiful. Be grateful. Always.

-Do not say yes just to be polite. You can say no when you want. If people don’t like it, again, do not take it personally. Maybe they aren’t worth it.

-The shape of your palate… yeah, it’s not that common. You think it is, but it’s actually quite rare. And oh yeah, one of your ears grows to be quite a bit bigger and different from the other, and your belly button is crooked. But again, my dear, even though you think early on that all of these are horrible things about you, they will be quite handy for impressing the boys! USE THEM TO YOUR FAVOR!!!

-Trust your instinct. It will feel like witchcraft sometimes, BUT THAT’S OK! You are full of magic. No one but you needs to understand this. You’ll save yourself lots of tribulations if you trust your instinct.

-Say what your heart feels. You’ll have to let it simmer, and let it pass through your brain to get absolute confirmation of what you want to say, but don’t let other people dictate what you say and do. Your heart has a voice, too. Let it resonate, or you will explode. Let it speak.

-You will suffer a lot of losses, and you’ll always ask yourself what you could have done differently. Maybe a few things here and there could have been avoided, but all of those things have brought you to this moment, to this precious, imperfect life that you love to live.

-Accept your femininity. It’s not a burden; IT’S A WEAPON – the most powerful one you’ll ever have. Embrace it, accept it, own it, love it, feel it. BE IT!, BE A GIRL, BE A WOMAN! BE YOU! 

-Going to therapy is not only for crazy people. Trust me, it will change your life. Sometimes the best thing to do will be to just put your heart out there for someone to show you why it’s hurt and how you can heal it.

-We are all different. What society sees as a standard regarding your education, livelihood, appearance, sexual preferences, shape of your body, color, race or whatever, shouldn’t shape you. Just be yourself. Don’t be what people or society tell you to be. Above all, do not feel bad because you are not what they ask you to be. It’s ok.

-Forgive and forget, but don’t let whatever experiences life gives you go down the drain. Bad things (more than good ones) also carry lessons. Trust me on this.

-Let go, my darling, let go. This too shall pass…

Heartbreak

My grandmother was very young when she lost her first husband. The family legend says that she lay in bed for a whole week when he passed, and the eldest of her sons (my father), who was nine or 10 years old, lost his childhood in the blink of an eye. I have no further information about my grandfather, none whatsoever. It was a taboo subject, and my grandmother never mentioned his name again. NEVER. I think that when she lost her husband, my grandmother’s heart cracked in such a way that it could never mend again. The fact that she never mentioned my grandfather’s name kind of confirms that. Whenever she referred to him, she would call him “El Finado,” which literally means “the one that found its end.” The dictionary translates it as “dead.”

So, none of the six children my grandmother had (then) really overcame the death of my grandpa. My father cannot speak more than two sentences about him because the pain and loss overwhelms him, and his voice breaks and his eyes become watery. So no, no talking about EL FINADO.

My grandmother remarried very shortly after the loss of my grandfather, and her new husband Juan León was the only grandfather I ever knew and remember. He was a very dark–skinned man, and I always remember him being at the entrance of my grandmother’s house, looking at the horizon or in his garage, cleaning some piece of a motor or something. Grandpa Juan (as I used to call him) came to mend my grandma’s heart. She used to call him Gordo (fat).

Grandpa Juan was a weird person, but he was always sweet to me. I was his first granddaughter, and he was very patient with me. I grew up in their house because my parents were very young, and they worked all my life, so my grandparents raised me – my Grandma Quina, my Grandpa Juan and my Grandma María.

Grandpa Juan LOVED to read, and he LOVED crossword puzzles. He also loved Coca-Cola and to have a smoke after lunch. I don’t think he ever had a steady job, but he would do one thing here and one thing there. He was always at home and was my Grandma’s companion. He did love to travel, though, and he joined a radio club called “Conejos Liberales.” With those friends, he would go up and down Mexico, and he would have long radio conversations with them when he was home. He was a very quiet person, and he loved my mom. They would always go and have a cigarette after lunch. He would give her honey candy. He would have one, too, and then they would smoke their cigarette together in the entrance of the house while looking at the horizon.

Grandma Quina was older than Grandpa Juan, and she always used to say she would die before him and ask him to take care of her children when she was gone. She had six from her first marriage and shared one with Grandpa Juan. They all got along pretty well, I think.

One day, Grandpa Juan went to the doctor for a check–up, and he never came back. The news of his death was a total shock for the entire family, especially for my grandmother. Her heart was absolutely shattered. The same thing that happened with Grandpa Felipe had repeated, and my Grandma had a meltdown. I think she had to be sedated, and she slept for days. I do remember, though, that when I finally saw her again, she had aged. She looked so old, so sad, so heartbroken. It was hard. It was extremely hard.

As time passed by, Grandma Quina started to get back to her normal life of cooking and keeping herself busy, but he light in her face was gone. She never actually recovered. A year passed by, and we met her for Christmas. She was sitting in a corner of my grandpa’s garage and solemnly said, “I miss my Gordo, dear family. I’ve done my best, but this is the last Christmas I’ll spend with you. I’m sorry.” We all pumped her up, telling her she had so much to live for, that we loved her, etc, etc. She had tears in her eyes but still managed a small, gentle smile. I felt for her.

On December 2 the following year, Grandma Quina had a stroke and died. She kept her promise and didn’t spend that Christmas with us. Even though the death certificate stated she died of complications due to her stroke, I knew she died of a broken heart.

I should confess something at this point. Grandma Quina was my favorite family member, and when she left, she broke my heart, too.

Finding

I got a promotion and with it I had to move to Queretaro. I was living in a beautiful apartment in Mexico City just around Condesa, but when I got the promotion, I was ecstatic! I have always loved change, moving around and finding new places.

But shortly after I received news of the promotion, I met a guy, and our relationship became pretty serious in a matter of weeks.

The happy feeling of moving to Queretaro soon vanished because I didn’t want to spend a second away from this guy that had become so important so fast. I promised myself I would make it work, and every weekend for 4 months, I went back and forth to be with him. Until he broke up with me. I went back to Querétaro with a broken heart and no one to actually talk to about the situation. I was in this new place, living by myself and just crying my heart out. I felt lonely and sad, and all I wanted to do was leave this new place and go back to Mexico City and make the relationship work. I was devastated.

Every day I would drive myself to my office just to come back and fall down into that lonely abyss and cry myself to sleep every night. I was feeling so deeply alone.

A few days passed, and one morning I went down the stairs of my house to find a cat inside my living room. She didn’t move, meow, or get scared (God knows I sure did!). She gently and slowly walked towards me and then started rubbing herself on my leg. I leaned down to stroke her and ask her, “Hey! How are you? What’s your name?” I saw a collar but no name tag. She turned around and ran to the window and left just as silently and swiftly as she had when she entered the house. I remember smiling and taking a box of cereal back to my room. To my place of solitude.

Later that afternoon I called my mom and told her what happened, and she immediately said, “DO NOT FEED IT MONO! It’s not your cat! You don’t know where it’s been or if it even has an owner or anything! If you feed it, it’ll always go to your house just for food, and well, you are going to be feeding a stranger’s cat! PLUS, YOU ARE SO ALLERGIC! DO NOT FEED IT MONO!”

“OK, Mom! OK! I won’t. Thanks for your input.”

The next day, though, the cat was back in the house again. She explored a bit more, going all the way into the kitchen and now answered by meowing in reply to my random questions. It was very weird how she kept interrupting my solitude with her very mystic and majestic personality, as if saying, “Hey there! I’m just checking if you are still alive. OK, bye now!” And she left again.

The weekend was over, and I went back to work. When I returned home that evening, the cat was waiting for me ON MY BED! I was very surprised to see her there, but I was also quite happy to find someone to talk to. I didn’t feel so lonely. That day I discovered that “it” was a “she,” and I started calling her Gatita (Kitten).

A whole week passed, and Gatita kept getting into the house during the day and getting out during the night. I figured she was just going back home, but for the next week, she stayed over, and after that she never left. I never saw a sign asking for a lost kitten. I asked my neighbors, but they had never seen her before. So I started feeding her, and my mom went a little crazy (along with my allergies).

“I TOLD YOU NOT TO FEED HER! Well, never mind, send me a picture or something. Is she pregnant?! OH GOD, MONO! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH BABY KITTENS?! I hope she doesn’t have fleas! Does she have a name? AAAAWWWW, YOU SHOULD CALL HER FELIX!!! TAKE HER TO THE VET! WHAT IF SHE HAS RABIES?!”

“OMG, Mom! Do you want me to keep her or not?! How can I call her FELIX if its a SHE?! You know what? I’m taking her to the vet. I’ll talk to you later.”

The sadness that was instilled in me previously quickly disappeared with the thought of seeing with my cat every day. I never gave her a different name, and Gatita simply turned into Tita. She would sit next to me at night until she fell asleep and wake me up with little purrs in the morning. I started to feel better in no time. When I finally stopped thinking about my ex (whom I shall call Israel) he suddenly called me and asked me how I was and how was I feeling. Then I told him about the cat and how she had helped me with the sadness he caused me after we broke up. He was so excited about the cat and very sorry about what happened. He confessed he missed me and said a million other things, and eventually we got back together. Later on, he moved to Queretaro, and Tita was only the first of three cats we ended up taking in. Each of them found us exactly when we needed it, in magical and unexpected ways.

Israel and I decided we were going to move abroad, the 12,500-kilometer trip was a big deal. The first thing we knew was going to be difficult was moving away with three cats. There was never an argument about not taking them. NEVER. We knew they were coming with us, and that was it.

When we made the decision to move, we took the cats to the vet, and started the research for the trip. But then something happened. Tita started to leave the house and not come back during the night. Our cats were always free to go out and about if they wanted, but they always came back home for the night. Tita left for three nights straight, and we almost lost our minds. A neighbor told us she had taken care of Tita the same way I was now until Tita found me. Tita would go to the neighbor’s apartment for a few hours then leave. She began leaving for longer periods of time and then entire nights.

We realized right then and there that Tita had made the decision to not move with us, and Israel was very sad about this. We had actually learned a few days before that we could only take two cats with us, and we were thinking about paying someone to take one of the cats, or send it by courier or something. We never argued about this inside the house, but Tita just knew, and she made the decision for us. I also realized right then why Tita had found me when I was so sad and lonely and why it was time for her to move on now – exactly the same way I had needed to move on to the next chapter of my life.

It was time for Israel to leave and get all our things ready for our arrival to that foreign country. The day he was supposed to leave, no one could find Tita, not even our neighbor. A week had passed since we last saw her and we were afraid she was dead, sick, or something bad had happened to her. I remember feeling a huge hole in my stomach.

We needed to go to Mexico City to catch a plane, and Israel was crying his eyes out. He couldn’t believe that after three years, he couldn’t even say goodbye to his furry baby. We closed the house doors, walked to the car, and called Tita with treats, food, and jam – all the tricks in the book but nothing. Fifteen minutes passed, and we just started to drive away. I remember feeling so sad and lost. I also felt a little guilty, Israel was leaving before me and the rest of the kittens to get us an apartment and maybe a job, so that meant that I could go back home and see her again, but Israel would never have the chance to do so. We drove away.

I don’t even know how he noticed, but Israel suddenly stopped the car, opened the door, and ran back to the house. There Tita was, standing in our parking space! Israel grabbed her, kissed her, and we both cried as we said goodbye to our baby girl. It was one of the most sad yet magical moments I had ever experienced, and I was also so grateful that she was there to say goodbye.

The cat that had found me, that showed Israel and me a different way to love, was saying goodbye to us and letting us go. She was moving on and so were we.

I never saw her again. To this day I can’t believe the way she found me and showed me the path to find myself, as well as teaching me how difficult and extremely sad it can be to say goodbye. But sometimes you just have to move on and carry on.

What I miss about you…

I had a dream last night. As it always happens (at least in my dreams) some parts are kinda blurry and I’m not sure that the characters are quite defined. I do remember that 2 of my greatest loves where part of that dream. With one of them I talked, and I recall the feeling of being heard with attention bounded to love.

I don’t even know how to describe this, but it kinda feels like when you love someone, and you are listening to whatever they have to say and you hope deep in your heart that they are happy and wish them the best, just because you love them. In this particular case it felt like that but it had a hint of romance in it, and a desire that only comes from passion.

I miss that.

With the other guy, we didn’t actually talked that much during the dream. We sort of had an interaction with another person but the feeling I had was of great caring, he only wanted me to find what I was looking for. He hugged me in the way you hug a person that you love. I could smell his clothes, and it was so real that it made me wake up.

I miss that too.

I certainly loved this guys in a moment of time, and I don’t miss them, not in the romantic way that you might expect after all the time spent together, I did woke up yearning the way it felt to be loved like that by another person. I have found myself in this knowledge trip, that has made me realize that self love is very important, and I feel the love that I pour into myself everyday, and the one that my friends and family also feel for me, but after been almost 3 years single (without counting the mingle) I realized just now, that I really miss been loved that way.  And that that’s ok.

5 de Noviembre de 2016

La historia en realidad comienza el 4 de Noviembre de 2016, Luis y yo habíamos decidido pasar día de muertos juntos y para la noche el plan era ir a bailar al Imperial. Bailamos hasta que ya no pudimos más y fue entonces cuando decidimos pasar la noche en su departamento, que está literalmente a 10 minutos caminando de aquel épico lugar que tanto me gustaba.

Nos despertamos a la mañana siguiente, contigo, tocando la puerta súper enojado porque una moto estaba estorbando tu lugar de estacionamiento. Tocabas como queriendo derrumbar la puerta, pero quien abrió fui yo. Cruda, qué digo yo cruda! CRUDÍSIMA!!! Y tu molestia se convirtió en sorpresa.

-Perdón, buenos días, es tuya la moto que está estorbando en mi lugar de estacionamiento?

-SÍ!!! DISCULPA, deja bajo y la muevo.

Tu tono bajó de 10 a 2 en 3 segundos y me hiciste la plática de inmediato, te sorprendía primero que nada que anduviera en moto y de ahí nos seguimos con muchos temas más.

Mientras subíamos las escaleras al departamento, Luis ya se había despertado y estaba preparando de desayunar, nos sentamos a comer y a platicar mientras tu hermano se bañaba porque tenía un compromiso “familiar” (ja, ja, ja, ja) aquella era la época en la que no hablaba del poli-amor tan abiertamente. Estoy casi segura de que se iba a ver con alguien más. Pero eso, es parte de otra historia en la que no nos vamos a enfocar hoy.

Mientras Luis se bañaba, arreglaba, perfumaba y obviamente interrumpía de cuando en cuando nuestra conversación yo, perdí POR COMPLETO la noción del tiempo, había también, olvidado totalmente, que era el cumpleaños de mi papá y que tenía que llegar a casa pronto. Pero la conversación fluyo, como fluyen todas nuestras conversaciones hasta el día de hoy, entre risas, desacuerdos, defender a capa y espada nuestras ideas y luego escuchar las del otro y bajar la guardia. Para cuando Luis estaba listo para su otro compromiso, yo seguía con la camisa que me había prestado para dormir y ya habían pasado por lo menos dos horas!!!

Y es que así pasa el tiempo contigo, hablamos de cosas que no comparto con NADIE es más ni con mi psicóloga! Tus comentarios, tus jaladas de oreja, tus aseveraciones siempre me hacen pensar en lo afortunada que soy de tener amigos como tú y como Luis (obviamente) pero a él ya le escribiré luego.

El día de hoy, te dedico estas líneas porque siempre me has impulsado a escribir, a hablar, a desahogarme, a liberarme del dolor, la presión, la furia y la alegría también. Te escribo hoy porque admiro tu maravillosa idea de no regalar cosas materiales, sino experiencias y quería justamente hoy compartir la experiencia y el agradecimiento a tu hermosa y fraternal amistad.

Te admiro muchísimo, admiro la manera en la que tratas de verle un lado positivo a todo y a todos y te estoy infinitamente agradecida por todas estas cosas:

1. Sabes pedir perdón, tal vez mejor que cualquier persona que conozco, probablemente porque sabes reconocer tus errores.
2. Eres casi por seguro el único hombre que conozco que respeta tanto a su pareja que ha sabido escoger a una que entiende y acepta a tus amistades con el mismo amor y respeto con el que tú la tratas a ella. Eso está bien cabrón!
3. Tu capacidad de ver en los demás el potencial de aprender algo nuevo y no tener miedo en decir… no sé hacer eso, pero me gustaría aprender. ME ENSEÑAS? Sin pensar jamás que te demerita, al contrario te enaltece.
4. Tu capacidad de hacerme reír hasta en los momentos más difíciles. Porque obvio, eres un teto!
5. Cuando me ayudas a ponerme la chamarra!
6. Que sepas tus límites y no los cruzas, porque te respetas a ti y por eso respetas tanto a los demás.
7. Tu fuerza de voluntad! Solo tú puedes beber nuggets de pollo. (sí, puse beber)
8. Que me has enseñado a aceptar mi intensidad y a verla como algo con muchísimo potencial positivo. Gracias!
9. Eres de los mejores anfitriones del mundo mundial. Luisito diferirá de esto porque siempre dice que dejas el depa hecho un desmadre y no lavas los platos (pero eso sólo lo sabemos nosotros, shhhhh)
10. Todavía me parece increíble que podamos hablar por teléfono más de dos horas y que ni siquiera sienta que hayan pasado 10 minutos
11. Lo parecidas que son nuestras historias de vida y como por ello nuestra amistad es más fuerte
12. Tu honestidad, bruta, sin filtro, pero amorosa.
13. Lo mucho que te quieren tus amigos habla de la gran persona que eres.
14. Tu amor por el teatro, el cine, el arte en general y tu gran capacidad de desmenuzar las tramas sin spoilerear
15. Tus trompos al pastor. QUÉ PEDO CON ESO!?!?!?
16. Todo lo que has logrado, a puro pulso!
17. Que sabes lo que quieres, sabes lo que tienes que sacrificar por ello y que eres honesto con todas las partes para lograrlo
18. Esa idea tuya de regalar experiencias y no cosas materiales (aunque se agradece lo material que me has dado)
19. Hablando de regalos: que prefieres hablar y revisar si vas por buen camino cuando estas comprando un detalle para mi, “para no cagarla”
20. Que compres “detalles” sin que haya una ocasión para ello.
21. Aún no puedo creer que se te haga “cerca” ir de la condesa al pedregal en cualquier momento del día.
22. El trato que tú y tu hermano dan a la gente, siempre como iguales es algo que admiro muchísimo de ustedes
23. Eres super pedorro y no te da miedo admitirlo. Aunque deberías, la neta.
24. Lo mucho que quieres a tu familia y lo importante que es para ti, aunque luego sientes que no haces lo suficiente para que estén bien. Créeme, haces muchísimo.
25. El tamaño de tu cabeza. YUCA!!!
26. Admiro lo extremadamente diferente que eres a tu hermano, sin embargo son el complemento perfecto el uno del otro, tan distintos y tan adorables LOS DOS! Y pedorros, claro.
27. Tu habilidad de adaptación, no cualquiera podría tener la posición que tienes sin eso y menos en un lugar como India!
28. Lo verdaderamente NACO que puedes llegar a ser sin siquiera proponértelo. Si te escuchara tu madre, seguro te deshereda. EL GAAAAAAAS!
29. A estas alturas del partido, la paciencia que has desarrollado cada vez que tienes que sacar la visa. CADA VEZ UN PEDO DISTINTO y ya se te pasa como agua debajo de un puente.
30. A pesar de lo lejos que estás, siempre ofreces pasar por mi.
31. Como cualquier tema del que estemos hablando puede terminar en dos puntos, mi corazón de condominio o el tamaño de mis nalgas SIEMPRE.
32. Y hablando del corazón de condominio, no tienes ningún reparo en etiquetar a cualquier güey que me guste como raro y no solo eso, encontrarás la manera de hacerme ver en dónde reside su rareza y me caga que no te equivocas!!!
33. Neta? Adela Micha? NETA?
34. Haces tiempo siempre para pasarla con tus amigos a pesar de tener una familia, una pareja, un trabajo con horarios tan distintos a los nuestros y eso es un enorme regalo y el bien más valioso, así que GRACIAS
35. Eres el mejor dando consejos, no me dices lo que quiero escuchar, sino lo que tengo que escuchar.
36. La importancia que le das al momento presente, porque cuando estamos juntos de verdad estás presente y regalas momentos de calidad y no de cantidad.

Querido Dani, estoy súper feliz y orgullosa de llamarte mi amigo. Mi hermano! 36 cosas que admiro de ti y 36 años de vida, gracias por todo el tiempo risas y lágrimas compartidas, el resto de tu vida te espera en este nuevo año y en este nuevo país donde espero que cumplas todas las metas que te has puesto, pero sobre todo espero que siempre haya balance, salud, amor, y éxito en tu vida. Te mereces lo mejor!

Te adoro amigo!

Good waves

I was immerse in a surf trip for 12 days without knowing at all what to expect. I have never, ever surfed in my life and the thought of a rough ocean gives me the creeps, but I got involved in the adventure not precisely cause of the surf, but then I was, amongst ONLY surfers and the adventure was to say the least… unexpected.

Many of the things I did during this trip were not on the same lane that I usually travel, or at least not on the same lane that I’ve been traveling like for the past 10 years. I realized all ages surfers travel this way: not knowing what to expect, not knowing were to stay, not knowing what will happen tomorrow, sometimes completely off the grill, cause they live the waves exactly as they come and they enjoy them EXACTLY as they come, but above all, as if this good waves were exactly the last good ones they will see for the rest of the season. So they get up extremely early in the morning for a surf at 5-6 am, and they get back to their accommodations as soon as the body cannot deal with the hunger any more, they have a small breakfast that they usually prepare themselves, and wait till they are ready again to get the GOOD WAVES. A visit to the ocean 2 or 3 times a day sounds about right for them.

I realized that they live life to the fullest each day, day by day. Falling from the wave, getting up again and again till they can ride it and then they paddle again, they walk again, and jump into the water again, and again and again, and again.

Most of this people work hard a regular job that they squeeeeeze till the last breath so they’ll have money to travel and surf to wherever the waves take them. I thought I traveled a lot, but damn you should talk to this people, not a single one of them has an empty passport, dozens of countries visited, for the GOOD WAVES, some of them speak many languages including the crazy surf lingo that it is absolutely imposible to understand if you are not into surfing, as well as a set of crazy rules in the water that everyone talks about cause they are always broken by a few, and also, an endless list of nationalities blend in the water, a cornucopia of languages is spoken in and outside of it, and in there every man and girl paddles for itself.

I found myself been an outcast in the water, all I could do was swim and wait, so I got out of it, meditated, ran, practice yoga, walk, enjoy the scenery, read. When people found out I wasn’t a surfer they all made a weird face and ask: -what do you do here then?- But even though I wasn’t a surfer what did happen was that I got adopted by them all, the late night talks were an absolute delight, as well as the food and beer, and my God did I laughed, I laughed till I couldn’t deal with it any more. And even though I couldn’t understand whenever the conversation drifted to surf, I found myself immerse in this community that open their hearts and lives and sometimes souls to me as much as I did too.

I am extremely grateful I was involved in this experience, with all it’s ups and downs, with all it’s strange places and spaces, with all of the Mexico I have never heard of!

MY GOD! how many surf beaches can there be in out coasts?! and the astonishing  beauty of them! This trip made me see a part of me I hardly see, it was a trip of introspection and self awareness and I’m so thankful above all for the places I saw and the people I meet that I know now will be a part of my life from now on and hopefully for a long time.

Will I ever be a surfer? doubt it. But did I get the Good Waves… I sure did.

Thank you all: Thank you Owen, Phillipe, Yhonathan, Gastón, Ellie, Sarah, Belen, Austin, Mitchel, Jana, David, Alex, Marcelo, Leonardo, Yaron, Katherine, Miguel, Raúl, Olie and Chris. For the time, the beers, the tips, the patience, the card games, the hugs, the kisses, the rides, the love. May you always have Good Waves wherever you go.

Historia de un padre

Me dejó de dar envidia ver a mis amigas y miembros de mi familia disfrutando de una relación amorosa con sus padres. Recibir besos y un TE QUIERO o TE AMO HIJA nunca formó parte de la comunicación que mi papá y yo tuvimos y ahora entiendo o por lo menos trato de entender de manera amorosa por qué mi papá es así conmigo.

Yo fui producto de una relación amorosa muy inesperada, mis padres no estaban casados y la historia de como unieron sus vidas entre amenazas y malos tratos por parte del papá de mi mamá me hacen entender que tal vez mi papá vivió mi nacimiento con un poco de miedo y cautela.

No supe hasta hace poco, de verdad muy poco que mi papá no quería tener hijos, de entrada y luego supe que el motivo por el cual se separaron por una temporada cuando yo tenía nueve años y hasta pasaditos los 10 fue justamente porque mi mamá insistió en tener otro hijo, cosa a la que mi papá se negó tan rotundamente y resultó en una separación bastante complicada en la que fui moneda de cambio… pero esa es otra historia.

Tengo pocos recuerdos de convivencia con mi papá y en general todos ellos son compartiendo todas esas pasiones que forjaron las mías eventualmente. El deporte, los viajes, el conocimiento. Creo que cuando uno es joven lo único que quiere es la aprobación y respeto de sus padres y la manera en la que yo lo intenté conseguir fue copiando todas las pasiones que mi padre tenía, la lectura, la música, los deportes y viajar. Todo ello me hizo un poco masculina, ligeramente marimacha y bastante aventurera y justo cuando estaba agarrando carrera fue cuando mis papás se separaron y las cosas cambiaron mucho.

Cuando mis papás por fin se reconciliaron ya esperaban otro hijo y es curiosísimo, luego de sentarme y analizarlo y de horas de trabajo psicológico entiendo que mi papá por fin tuvo el hijo que no había tenido y toda atención que tuve de su parte simplemente se esfumó y se fue para su hijo. Nota, no es reclamo, simplemente fue algo que pasó y ya.

Alguna vez hablé con mi papá de ello y me dijo que sí, que sí sabía que había tomado esa actitud, que sí había hecho eso pero que no encontraba la manera de volver a retomar su afecto como padre hacia mi. Me da pena, digo, yo he tenido un camino pavimentado de una enorme cantidad de figuras paternas, que sí me dijeron al crecer lo mucho que me querían, lo mucho que me amaban y con mi papá pues simplemente lo tomé como a un amigo, alguien con quien comparto muchísimos gustos, alguien con quien platico de esas cosas que nadie en mi familia adoptó por no tener esa necesidad de aceptación y que agradezco.

Agradezco por supuesto la dureza de su trato porque me hizo fuerte, su necedad en hacerme ver toda película y caricatura en inglés porque de otra manera no hubiera desarrollado esa habilidad. Su lejanía para poder compensar con cercanía con los demás su discreción y su ética de trabajo, su pasión por el baile y su finísimo gusto musical. Su pasión por viajar y conocer, por investigar y por saber.

No hay tiempo como el ahora para agradecer y por eso en este día papá quería dejarte por escrito todas estas cosas que me han hecho lo que soy. Gracias por ser mi padre en esta vida. Que vivas muchos años más en felicidad y en salud.

FELIZ DÍA DEL PADRE!

 

 

No termino de entenderlo

ATENCIÓN, si eres un miembro de mi familia toma nota, ESTE POST no es para ti, habla de cosas íntimas y sexuales de mi vida, si lo lees será bajo tu propio riesgo.

Sin más preambulo vamos pues:

Hace unos meses viendo un reportaje a cerca de sexualidad en Netflix me topé con una entrevista a una chica que tenía un muy conocido podcast en el que hacía un llamado a mujeres y hombres a hablar a cerca de su sexualidad y donde sobre todo hablaba de su búsqueda por encontrar la manera de sentir un orgasmo. Se trataba de una chica que ya estaba en sus 30’s y confesaba abiertamente jamás haber sentido un orgasmo y por eso su podcast y su búsqueda la hicieron «famosa».

Últimamente y debido a una situación personal me he encontrado en un viaje de entendimiento de mi misma, de mi persona, de mis ideas a cerca de las relaciones interpersonales y muchas otras cosas más. Siempre me he perpetrado como una persona segura de su sexualidad y feliz con las relaciones de pareja e interpersonales que he tenido. Sexualmente abierta y en alguna época de mi vida irresponsable y promiscua. Nunca, he estado orgullosa de ello, debo decir que fui muy afortunada en vivir en una época en la que mis locuras solo forman parte de una memoria de algunos chicos y chicas ochenteras que fueron parte de mi desarrollo sexual.

Mis amigos, siempre han estado en el entendido de que acepto mi sexualidad y no le tengo miedo al sexo y caray, MoNo sí que sabe divertirse. Y sí, me divierto, me divertí, lo gozaba. Pero a penas hace un mes hablando con Dani le confesé que solo UNA VEZ, sentí absoluta compatibilidad con una persona. UNA SOLA VEZ.

Esta es la historia de mi primer CASI-orgasmo!

Conocí al Oso hace muchos años, era, es (creo) amigo de un hombre con el que compartí una larga historia de amor. Desde que lo conocí, aclaro, me pareció extremadamente atractivo, pero, siempre respeté el hecho de que él era amigo de mi pareja y claro DE QUE YO TENÍA PAREJA! Eventualmente esa unión terminó y todo el mundo siguió por su lado. El Oso y yo seguíamos siendo amigos así como mi ex y yo seguíamos platicando extemporáneamente.

En una ocasión el Oso y yo coincidimos, platicamos, bebimos, y nos besamos. Y eso fue todo.  -Eso fue todo esa vez- Porque luego de meses chateando a diario decidimos hacer un viaje juntos y por supuesto, el viaje fue hecho con toda la intención de llevar todas estas pláticas a un plano completamente físico.

Yo para ese entonces ya tenía 35 años! y había vivido engañada! jamás en mi vida había experimentado esa conexión con alguien, y tampoco había experimentado esa conexión con mi cuerpo. Lo que sentí rayaba para mi en lo escandaloso, no podía comprender como habían pasado 35 años de mi vida sin haber sentido algo como eso JAMÁS! y no sé por qué ME FRENÉ, frené mi cuerpo, frené mis emociones, frené mi alma, frené todo y no me dejé llevar y simplemente la mitad de mi cuerpo dejó de funcionar. El Oso me cargó para dejarme en un absoluto estado de desmayo sobre la cama y me dijo, no pasa nada. Todo va a estar bien.

NO!!! NADA IBA A ESTAR BIEN! ahora no pensaba en otra cosa que no fuera él! no podía concebir mi vida sin tener el gusto, carajo!, el placer de pasar cada instante de mi vida sexual con este hombre que por cierto vivía a 800 km de distancia mía!

Hice todo lo posible por repetir experiencias con él, TODO lo posible, volvimos a compartir espacios, viajes y momentos y no sé, de verdad no sé por qué nunca me permití llegar a el sublime momento del que piden su limosna todo ser sexualmente activo. No sé. No sé por qué. Siempre me paraba instantes antes, sólo un instante antes.

Llena de miedo confesé (a mi manera) a esta persona que se había convertido en alguien muy importante en mi vida, nunca puse todos los puntos sobre las ies, pero le di algunas pistas. Aún hoy no entiendo por qué nunca le dije, guey… eres la única persona con la que he estado a punto de sentir un orgasmo y no puedo terminar de sentirlo porque sé que es solamente algo pasajero para ti.

Yo nunca me equivoco cuando sospecho que alguien no siente lo mismo que yo. Sabía que había algo, algo raro entre él y yo, nunca tuve el valor de enfrentarlo y preguntarle qué tenía mal yo como para no querer tener una relación formal conmigo, aunque en algún momento sí me dijo que no quería comprometerse a algo serio a la distancia. JA! menuda sorpresa cuando tan solo meses después de nuestro último encuentro YA TENÍA NOVIA! Me molesté muchísimo. Tampoco se lo dije jamás.

A qué voy con esto?

Daniel y yo platicamos muchísimo, podemos estar horas y horas y horas hablando por teléfono o sentados en el sillón platicando de estupideces y cuando temas como estos salen a la luz ni él ni yo podemos resolverlos, el dice que soy una gran persona, una gran mujer, un gran ser humano, TODO MARAVILLOSO, no entiende como puede ser posible que siendo tan abierta y carismática pueda ser tan cerrada en algo en lo que percibo ser tan abierta como el sexo pero sobre todo no entiende como alguien como yo, no puede tener lo que busca en una pareja y cuando cree tenerlo, no es recíproco.

 

NO TERMINO DE ENTENDERLO…

 

 

 

 

 

Buen Viaje Pepetón

-Sí verdad hija?-

Fue una de las últimas palabras que me dijiste, habías tenido tu accidente unos años antes y con mucho trabajo al hablar me dijiste eso cuando bromeaba a cerca de tu «equipazo» como tú solías describirlo, el Atlante y yo te decía, qué onda con tu equipo maletón tío?

Verte, en una silla de ruedas, tan delgado, tan distinto me quebró, giré sobre mis talones y salí de ahí porque no pude contener las lágrimas, Muti se me acercó y me llamó la atención, mi tío seguía vivo y de nada le servía verme mal. Ciertamente de nada sirve sentirme mal, prefiero hoy, que dejaste tu cuerpo físico, recordarte como siempre, atacado de risa, con tu pants con zapatos de vestir, era lo que más te criticaba mi papá, tu pants del Atlante y tus zapatos de vestir.

Amaba tu casa, tus colecciones me parecían la cosa más fascinante del mundo, tenías un botellón de agua repleto de cajetillas de cerillos, y una habitación COMPLETA sólo para guardar tu colección de vinilos, siempre fuiste melómano, creo que jamás conocí a una persona que amara tantísimo la música como tú. Eras tan malo bailando a comparación del resto de la familia, pero eras tan simpático, recuerdo que siempre empezabas a hacer un striptease frente a mi tía, empezabas a des-fajarte mientras decías la frase con la que siempre te voy a recordar «te juro que eres la única» mientras todos soltábamos carcajadas al unísono, mi tía se tapaba la cara botada de risa y te daba de manazos mientras tú seguías bailando. Levantabas tu camisa y luego girabas y decías «aaaah, ya, ya» tomabas tu cara entre tus manos y reías a carcajadas.

Así prefiero recordarte, empecinado por ponerte a tu hijo el nombre más raro del mundo porque admirabas a Eumir Deodato y así se tenía que llamar el niño, y así se llamó.

Ese cuerpo que te falló un día, pero que también no trataste nada bien hoy se desprende de tu mente, pero tu recuerdo aquí se queda con nosotros hasta que te alcancemos. Te voy a extrañar tío, te quiero, descansa, ya es tiempo.